bab

Rarely at a loss for words, but with an unmistakable, elegiac style, bab has routed some of the finest PO’BMC’ers extant with her use of beneath-the-table gambits and her positively brilliant gift for end-game histrionics — traits which have earned her the sobriquet The Aussie Assassin from her adoring, if misguided, fans.

“I’ve never wanted for that ‘killer instinct’. Bring the game to a close when they’re least expecting it, is my motto; the judges rarely fail to reward you for it — they’re already into the beer by then, anyway.”

Ever the consummate competitor, ever the gracious host at her famous, post-tourney triage tent parties, bab epitomizes the spirit of PO’BMC for dozens of aspiring Antipodean schoolgirls.

bat

Bruce T. (“The Man Who Made Amazon.com What It Is Today”) has been featured in several popular U.S. Post Office posters, and is a Crescenter of widespread repute.

He is a Pyrenean-American man of letters whose previous incarnation as a Lieutenant in the Royal Navy has been variously described. Notwithstanding, there is no more implacable PO’BMC opponent. Bruce’s bravura and sheer versatility have won him the awed respect of players on three continents, $2.47 and the New England All Comers Mornington Crescent Mug. He has perpetrated some of the best poetry ever written by an engineer.

dac

Sole survivor of the ur-Pfobbington Krescent and co-author in 1889 with Admiral von Tirpitz of the seminal “Pfobbington Machtspiel: oder Die Wissenschaft vom Mit-dem-boot-in-zu-sinken-und-up-der-throat-punch-zu-machen-bevor-der-bugger-dich-mit-einem-belaying-pin-oder-einem-marlinspike-scraggen-kann”.

It is to his long years of service in the Kriegsmarine that von Critchley attributes the many devasting successes of his trademark Umlaut und Unterseeboot Attack. His play also relies perhaps unwisely on unction and personal magnetism [see left].

gdf

Le Behemoth first came to notice in MC circles when he entered the newly-formed French National Championship in 1909. During a meteoric rise to international grandmaster status, Le Behemoth participated in every possible European title in the five years leading up to World War I. His style of play is said to have contributed something to the intensity of the hostilities.

In the long years since the allied victory, the consequent excessive French media interest in PO’BMC has led the enigmatic and camera-shy master to adopt the permanent guise of a black cat.

jpo

jpo is a rare, though respected, visitor to the PO’BMC scene. Although he narrowly missed holding on to the Benson and Hedges championship tea cosy in 1957, that year is generally considered his best to date; his semi-final match against sdw is thought to be one of the best technical games ever played. It is used as a textbook example in the PO’BMC Rules and Regulations (Volume 73, chapter 12, section 19, annex 5 to appendix 8 page 94). jpo has been known to trice rival players athwart their starboard gumbrils, and never hesitates to engage the enemy more closely.

Seeded in the top three for the current Quebec Open, it is generally considered by the cognoscenti that this year it will be a srz-jpo final with all the drama that implies. Watch out especially for the endgame this year—they're playing 1812 Rules (third revision) with the Moscow variant. Organisers are hoping Austerlitz will be declared wild for the tournament.

js

Jane S. is well-known as the Editor-in-Chief of Statistics in Mornington Crescent, where she has overseen the meteoric rise in popularity of that journal to its eight-year run on the non-fiction bestseller list of the New York Times. This has been effected in part by the switch to a bright, bold format, the banishment of all numbers and formulae, and by revealing full-colour Page 3 pictures of notable PO’BMC players.

Much of Jane’s work is conducted from her home, HMS Probability. This small frigate is constantly under way, following a seemingly random route to India, Ionia, the Galapagos, the Cape, Australia and back again. Why such a commodious residence? According to sources close to La Statisticienne, the frigate is ballasted entirely by books.

jsh

A famous team player, jsh has been the sole survivor of many famous teams. Her aggressive tactics and the practical operation of her motto The sword is mightier than the pen have seen her rise to just behind the front ranks of international Mornington Crescent players… within plunging distance of the Tesco Grand Champion Crown itself.

At her best on a quicker course — where the speed of play sometimes overtakes the umpires (may they rest in peace) — she dominates and decimates the field, skilfully employing her knowledge of the Visigothic Revival appendices to the classic rules*.

Surviving team-mates and competitors are voluble in their praise of her grace, wit, charm, beauty and elegance. And above all, the brutal subtlety of her playing style.

*Note to spectators: full body armour is required apparel when observing matches in which this player is competing

ldt

From the PO’BMC Monitor and Wrestling Times. With permission.

Eagerly awaited next month is the London debut of young PO’BMC import, ldt, who transferred from her old club, Aardvark, for a fee rumoured to be in seven figures.

"She’s got blistering speed," opined coach 'Awkward' Skinner, "and she’s a lovely little mover — fluent, economical, devious. Poetry in motion. We are currently working hard together on honing her end-game skills - she’s shown a lot of promise there already."

Fans of the learned art, will want to see more than promise from the new PO’BMC sensation. They are entitled to question if, with all her undoubted end-game abilities, and the hoopla surrounding her transfer, she will be found, in the end, wanting in the necessary viciousness.

pgb-w

pgb-w hails originally from Yorkshire. In the 1950s, he went to the University of Wales and had a very enjoyable day. While he was there, he read Psychology and some even longer words as well. pgb-w has many letters after his name, and several more behind the sideboard.

He achieved his greatest fame in PO’BMC circles after winning the Lymeswold Cheese Trophy in December 1981. This led to a number of lucrative offers, including the chance to train the Belgian national squad. Unfortunately, his plans suffered a setback the following year when his chocolate test proved positive at the New York games.

His many fans (along with his collection of kimonos and chopsticks) are on loan to the V&A.

psm

Few players have ever combined malevolence and strabismus to such devastating effect as psm.

Always an able exponent of the sport’s underlying τεξνε, his winter sabbatical in the Levant with the Mornington (Star and) Crescent side has honed his attack to, er, breathtaking levels. A past master of such tactics as the Eleanor Cross, he has declined to rest on his — or anyone else’s — laurels and is busy perfecting his execution of the legendary Hadrian / Antonine defence.

Deservedly esteemed for his coaching work with the Shelmerstone Colts and this year’s holder of the Maxwell House Marlinspike, psm is one to watch for fans at every level.

sdw

To most MCers Scott W. is probably best known for his victory at the 1948 World Championships, and for his learned MC articles "A Beginner’s Guide to Authorised Cheating" and "Fibbing for Victory".

Characterised by his academic approach to the game, Scott is resident professor at the Edith Spottiswood Centre for Mornington Research, where he is currently revising the official rules (the 74-volume concise edition).

Last year, he narrowly lost to bab at the Australian International. This is usually put down to the distraction caused by being bitten by "Lucky", bab’s pet crocodile, a technique she has used with reliable results for several years.

shw

Susan W., who in 1902 was selected for the New York Times List of Top Ten Most Powerful Unknown Washington Bureaucrats, was subsequently appointed as Chair of the Federal Commission on Mornington Crescent Regulation and became the chief architect of the widely-praised Foggy Bottom Convention revised rules which award double points for the use of acronyms with no fewer than twelve letters. Her forthcoming book, "A Tale of Two O’Brians; or, A Portrait of the Author as a Young Englishman", has been selected as an Oprah Book of the Month and is at present being filmed as a television mini-series for the Home Shopping Network.

Susan W. lives aboard a three-masted ship moored in the Potomac River when not vacationing at her chateau, Chez Chou, on Kerguelen Island.

slb

slb first came to the notice of the PO’BMC world in the finals of the Australian National Championships at Woolloomooloo. His play is typified by an outdoor, physical approach and he has introduced bullying-off, jinking and the open dribble to the game. He has even been known to gluppit the prawling strangles on occasion.

His motto "Never mind manoeuvres: always go straight at 'em" has been put into effect with devastating results, winning him last year’s Tim Tam Championships and an Honourable Mention in the first pub quiz tournament (held at the Wombat and Gold Lace).

Aficionados of the game are hoping to see him continue his fine run of form.

srz

Steve Z. is a distinguished PO’BMC player, with a career stretching from the Groucho Marx Elementary School Prize for Attainment at Hornswoggling to last year's Marmite Open, where he was runner-up to dac.

Steve has a distinctive playing style: he eschews gazumping, making cunning use of the mizzentop manoeuvre, and is not afraid to pass go without collecting $200 if the state of the game calls for it. He has been active in bringing PO'BMC to the notice of a younger audience, co-authoring The Flopsy Bunny Book of Mornington Fun with Norman Mailer in 1986.